Monday, March 7, 2016

Just about have control of that Control Freak thing. Or Not.

In an attempt to become more of a human being and not just a human doing I took an absolutely wonderful class at my church called "Growing Your Soul".  The class's premise is that  “Grant Lord that I might know myself and that I might know Thee.” There is a lot of indepth self study, contemplation and reading to learn more about yourself.  I am not given much to navel gazing so this was difficult. SO difficult in fact that I actually took the Beginner class TWICE- that's how long it took me to get get with and absorb the program. I have tried really hard to hand my controlling tendancies over to the Man Upstairs. Occasionally I ask my group mate and colleague Cindy "did you see how I let THAT go?" amd she laughs lovingly and says "So I see you almost have control on that controlling thing..."

The course truly has changed my life.  Although I have found when I don't do my mental & spiritual homework I find myself  slipping into my old control freak tendencies. When things feel out of control I tend to clamp down & try to control the things I can.

So with all the recent soul searching, number crunching, and pondering, it's been tough. With the crushing rent increase and the decison not to renew the lease on the shop I have been pondering and plotting my next chapter.

How do I maintain the supportive rowdy community that has developed over the last 8 years? How to do that and support my own inner artist? It would be easy to just move into a new building and start over.

With the plan to relocate to the water after our son graduates from school, it seems flatout fool hardy to start over yet again with a brand new lease and building.  I would barely be up to speed and it would be time to head out.

So instead I am going to concentrate on what I was too chicken to do 8 years ago.  Work on my art.  Work on my craft. Write about the creatives I meet and shine a light on them. Collaborate with other amazing people and be the trumpeter and let them run the show.  And yet...

I wait.

I wait for my back to heal so I can start packing.  I wait to move my shelves to the Old Screen Door in Delaware so I can put merchandise on them. Here in Falls Church I wait for the possibility of a local collaborative venue.  I wait for the approvals and legal reviews and paperwork and, and, and...

Waiting is so not my nature, I am used to being Large and In Charge. If I was in charge (I think) I would be so far down the road it would be next week.  Or so I think. But when I stop to truly think, I know it's God's way of telling me to go do my homework.  And wait to see what happens.

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