The Agony & The Ectasy

Yesterday was a REALLY tough day. And a wonderful one.  With having to pack out almost 3000 square feet of retail space that contained over 100 consignors and 40 artists, "winding down" is a daunting task.  I have almost all of the consignment picked up and now the artists and artisans are coming to pick up their wares and say goodbye to the shop and me.  Brutal and lovely.

The bittersweet was reinforced by first time customers walking in the shop telling me how lovely it is and how they can't wait to come back. Or not. Ow.

I am reminded I only work with people whose I like and whose work speaks to me.  So it is really hard to say "until next we meet" to those folks because I don't WANT to say goodbye. And the reality is I probably won't see them much going forward.

So yesterday was full of a few tears, a whole lot of hugs, a few really special gifts and a really good bottle of wine,

I love to start things.  I hate to end them.

Just about have control of that Control Freak thing. Or Not.

In an attempt to become more of a human being and not just a human doing I took an absolutely wonderful class at my church called "Growing Your Soul".  The class's premise is that  “Grant Lord that I might know myself and that I might know Thee.” There is a lot of indepth self study, contemplation and reading to learn more about yourself.  I am not given much to navel gazing so this was difficult. SO difficult in fact that I actually took the Beginner class TWICE- that's how long it took me to get get with and absorb the program. I have tried really hard to hand my controlling tendancies over to the Man Upstairs. Occasionally I ask my group mate and colleague Cindy "did you see how I let THAT go?" amd she laughs lovingly and says "So I see you almost have control on that controlling thing..."

The course truly has changed my life.  Although I have found when I don't do my mental & spiritual homework I find myself  slipping into my old control freak tendencies. When things feel out of control I tend to clamp down & try to control the things I can.

So with all the recent soul searching, number crunching, and pondering, it's been tough. With the crushing rent increase and the decison not to renew the lease on the shop I have been pondering and plotting my next chapter.

How do I maintain the supportive rowdy community that has developed over the last 8 years? How to do that and support my own inner artist? It would be easy to just move into a new building and start over.

With the plan to relocate to the water after our son graduates from school, it seems flatout fool hardy to start over yet again with a brand new lease and building.  I would barely be up to speed and it would be time to head out.

So instead I am going to concentrate on what I was too chicken to do 8 years ago.  Work on my art.  Work on my craft. Write about the creatives I meet and shine a light on them. Collaborate with other amazing people and be the trumpeter and let them run the show.  And yet...

I wait.

I wait for my back to heal so I can start packing.  I wait to move my shelves to the Old Screen Door in Delaware so I can put merchandise on them. Here in Falls Church I wait for the possibility of a local collaborative venue.  I wait for the approvals and legal reviews and paperwork and, and, and...

Waiting is so not my nature, I am used to being Large and In Charge. If I was in charge (I think) I would be so far down the road it would be next week.  Or so I think. But when I stop to truly think, I know it's God's way of telling me to go do my homework.  And wait to see what happens.