New Year's Resolution- Just Show Up

It is said that most New Year's Resolutions are broken by January 15th. And that most people make the same resolutions or none at all. So I am amused that my resolution of writing regularly is beginning again today, January 15th.  There.  I showed up! 

On trend the past few years is the selection of a Focus Word of the Year. Watching other people carefully choose and be guided by their year seems laudable yet something entirely foreign. I seem to have spent the last couple of years completely in reaction mode. Philosophical thinking has been dulled by fatigue.  I tend to be an extremely concrete person (make this call, do this deed, fight this fight) and less of an abstract thinker. Perhaps that is why I have not been drawn to the word of the year concept.

"Throwing Down" Commission 2018  TW Stifel

 Status Quo would have defined 2018.  2018 was a year of maintaining and healing.  Lots of health problems in the family.  Lots of treatments and thank the Good Lord and modern medicine, lots of successful outcomes. Sometimes you don't realize how much strain there is until it is lifted.  2018 was a feel of feeling stymied and frustrated while all the while counting daily blessings.  2018 was a year of waiting. Sitting with and realizing that some decisions could not made but that circumstances had to unfold. (This is so NOT how I normally live, breathe or plan.) But you know that old adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"  I DO feel stronger and ready for what the future holds.

"Armada Blue" 2019 TW Stifel 

  2019 feels lighter, more optimistic with plots and plans percolating. I was helping someone clarify her goals for the coming year and it reminded me of goal setting bigger than to-do lists. Grander than weight loss goals (although I have those too).  Real life style goals.

Sunrise Over the Bay 2019 Mother Nature

What has been your grandest life goal to date? Did you achieve it? Still working on it? Did you abandon it? I will share some of mine next time.

Just about have control of that Control Freak thing. Or Not.

In an attempt to become more of a human being and not just a human doing I took an absolutely wonderful class at my church called "Growing Your Soul".  The class's premise is that  “Grant Lord that I might know myself and that I might know Thee.” There is a lot of indepth self study, contemplation and reading to learn more about yourself.  I am not given much to navel gazing so this was difficult. SO difficult in fact that I actually took the Beginner class TWICE- that's how long it took me to get get with and absorb the program. I have tried really hard to hand my controlling tendancies over to the Man Upstairs. Occasionally I ask my group mate and colleague Cindy "did you see how I let THAT go?" amd she laughs lovingly and says "So I see you almost have control on that controlling thing..."

The course truly has changed my life.  Although I have found when I don't do my mental & spiritual homework I find myself  slipping into my old control freak tendencies. When things feel out of control I tend to clamp down & try to control the things I can.

So with all the recent soul searching, number crunching, and pondering, it's been tough. With the crushing rent increase and the decison not to renew the lease on the shop I have been pondering and plotting my next chapter.

How do I maintain the supportive rowdy community that has developed over the last 8 years? How to do that and support my own inner artist? It would be easy to just move into a new building and start over.

With the plan to relocate to the water after our son graduates from school, it seems flatout fool hardy to start over yet again with a brand new lease and building.  I would barely be up to speed and it would be time to head out.

So instead I am going to concentrate on what I was too chicken to do 8 years ago.  Work on my art.  Work on my craft. Write about the creatives I meet and shine a light on them. Collaborate with other amazing people and be the trumpeter and let them run the show.  And yet...

I wait.

I wait for my back to heal so I can start packing.  I wait to move my shelves to the Old Screen Door in Delaware so I can put merchandise on them. Here in Falls Church I wait for the possibility of a local collaborative venue.  I wait for the approvals and legal reviews and paperwork and, and, and...

Waiting is so not my nature, I am used to being Large and In Charge. If I was in charge (I think) I would be so far down the road it would be next week.  Or so I think. But when I stop to truly think, I know it's God's way of telling me to go do my homework.  And wait to see what happens.