When I was talking to my sister about this event she said "Are you going to hang your certificate with your other awards?" and I laughingly reminded her this would be my very first art recognition. She was as surprised that I had never received an art award as I was to receive this one!
This led to a conversation about perceived success vs. true success. What you look like from the outside vs. how you see yourself. Do you feel invisible or seen? What does success mean to you?
I have always had a very workman like attitude toward art making. Maybe because I started in craft doing shows and commissions, maybe because I had in my head that if I was going to be a working creative I had to WORK, not play at it. Maybe because I worked in straight commission sales for 20 years in the past so I understood that effort = outcome. The bad news about this is that I really didn't allow myself time to "play" and discover new things unless I have a challenge or a goal or a show or a commission to act as a catalyst. So success meant making things I was proud of and being seen as a resource to people decorating their homes.
The good news for me is that I have been blessed enough to make things that people enjoy having in their homes enough to pay for them so I can buy more supplies and make MORE things that bring me joy and satisfaction and help me grow in my creative practice. Although I have exhibited in some fine galleries in the past I never really kept track of what I submitted or achieved, only what I sold. I recognize that probably sounds crass and not terribly art-y. Owning my own retail business kept everything very black and white. Did you pay your bills or not? Success meant running a successful business and being seen as a nimble entrepreneur.
Shifting from brick and mortar to a fairly virtual existence has brought this even more into high relief for me. Home repairs, a kid in college, medical bills, it all has to be paid for. But not having the responsibility of the retail business has given me the freedom to expand my art practice and push myself to do more of what is in my head instead of what I think the client standing in front of me wants. Not having the security blanket of my shop has forced me to step out and do uncomfortable things. Success meant challenging myself to try new things and simply be seen in a new market.
Lots of phone calls, lots of walking in cold to places, lots of entering events and show have equaled lots of "no, thank you's" and "We shall sees". More than a little stinging to the ego that. But I have been around the block enough to remember that I am not everyone's cup of tea. And that I need to practice what I preach and find the people that see something in my practice. They are out there. And in a cosmic coincidence, apparently one happened to jury the last show I entered.
So, this tired, 57 year old, self employed, do what you got to do to get it done, woman just won her first blue ribbon. And the artist in her feels seen.
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